Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Tomorrow's Headlines: Kentucky Group Petitions Town to Allow Stoning of Alleged Witch

by Nomad

I thought you might enjoy a break from the depressing news of the day with a little fun. Tomorrow's headlines is a regular spoofing of the news of the day. 
Honestly, though, parody stories like this just seem to write themselves. 

A group  of 250 townspeople in Twiddle, Kentucky, calling itself "God Sway," has petitioned the local town council for permission to stone to death a resident. 
Daniel H. Spofford, a spokesman for the 501(c) organization, claims that 65 year old widow - Lucretia Tobias- is a witch, a handmaiden to Satan. As of last weekend, more than half of the town's residents have signed the petition.

Spofford accused Tobias of performing various forms of magic and putting hexes on members of the neo-puritan group. Last week, Spofford claims, Tobias cast a spell on one local resident.
"That same week, all of his chickens died and his wife developed a nasty rash on her elbow. She was in a lot of pain too."

A leading member of the group told reporters (on condition of anonymity)
"Punishing the source of Satan's mischief has a long history in the US, going back before the nation was founded. It's part of our religious heritage."

This isn't the first time that "God Sway" has petitioned the town council. Last year, the group was successful in a banning on all Halloween celebrations within town limits. They claimed it was nothing less than a "Witch and Devil Appreciation Day." According to a new law, on the evening of October 31, all children and young adults in Twiddle will be mandated to wear white and "be presentable."
The current debate on how best to deal with a supposed witch has rocked the tiny community. Said one long-time resident: "It's bullshit. Everybody knows you can't stop a witch by stoning her. You have to burn them at the stake."

One shopkeeper in the town said: 
"I have nothing against Tobias personally. My philosophy is live and let live. If she wants to be a witch, I have no problem with it. So long as she don't flaunt it and try to make our children into witches." 

Shayleen Turf, a stylist at a local hair salon, said: "If that's the will of the people, then I think the mayor ought to respect their wishes. This is ain't Iran, it's America you know." 

The town square was the proposed venue and a nearby quarry owner has offered to supply the stones. One women's group also offered to arrange a booth to sell Bible-themed cakes. Some in Twiddle feel it could be a good tourist draw for the community and could even be a seasonal event.
However, the mayor, Janice Anis, has thrown cold water on the proposed public stoning, citing local ordinances against vandalism and rock-throwing. 
"Who," she asked "is going to pay if any windows get broken? Taxpayers, that's who!"

In her own defense, Ms.Tobias has refused to comment or answer her phone. Her daughter, Eunice, recently said, "My mother is no witch. She has just let herself go a little since Daddy died."
As far as the claims of magic potions, the daughter explained:
"Momma wanted to try out a recipe she saw on the Food Network. Since when is curry paste and shiitake mushrooms considered witchcraft?"

The adamant Spofford scoffed at the excuse. He has knows witchery when he sees it and he plans to cleanse the town of all hocus-pocus. He said in an interview on a radio show that he couldn't understand the controversy:
"This is also an exercise of our religious liberty. As a Christian, it is our duty use every tool to fight evil, including torches, and rocks. It's God's law that we obey, not man's."

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee cited the case as just another example of the way atheists and secularists are destroying the country. 
In a recent speech at Liberty University, Huckabee told his cheering audience, "The criminalization of Christianity has reached epidemic proportions."

"It's time," he said, that "good Christians purged our nation of evil."