Tomorrow's Headlines: Kentucky Group Petitions Town to Allow Stoning of Alleged Witch

by Nomad

I thought you might enjoy a break from the depressing news of the day with a little fun. Tomorrow's headlines is a regular spoofing of the news of the day. 

Honestly, though, parody stories like this just seem to write themselves. 

A group  of 250 townspeople in Twiddle, Kentucky, calling itself "God Sway," has petitioned the local town council for permission to stone to death a resident. 

Daniel H. Spofford, a spokesman for the 501(c) organization, claims that 65 year old widow - Lucretia Tobias- is a witch, a handmaiden to Satan. As of last weekend, more than half of the town's residents have signed the petition.

Spofford accused Tobias of performing various forms of magic and putting hexes on members of the neo-puritan group. Last week, Spofford claims, Tobias cast a spell on one local resident.

"That same week, all of his chickens died and his wife developed a nasty rash on her elbow. She was in a lot of pain too."

A leading member of the group told reporters (on condition of anonymity)

"Punishing the source of Satan's mischief has a long history in the US, going back before the nation was founded. It's part of our religious heritage."

Headlines of the Future? President Trump Tweets German Chancellor Merkel is Smelly "Fat Pig"

by Nomad

Imagine this news story in 2017. 

In his first week at the White House, President Trump created a diplomatic firestorm after tweeting remarks about the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. 

His tweet, posted at 2 am last Friday, labeled Merkel a "fat pig." A follow-up comment a few minutes later claimed that Merkel "reeks of sauerkraut and bratwurst."

The US ambassador Ben Carson was summoned to the Palais Schaumburg in Bonn for an explanation. An unnamed German official close to Merkel said that the remark was both "disrespectful and highly damaging" to US-German relations. 

When confronted by the press this morning, President Trump was nonchalant about the incident, telling reporters that he was just letting off steam and there was nothing to apologize for. 

"We have a great working relationship. Merkel loves me. We joke all the time about her body odor problem. And let me say this. You'd never know it by that unhappy face of hers, but Angela actually has a great sense of humor. "

Secretary of State Sarah Palin dismissed the controversy, calling it another "lamestream media conspiracy" to "oblisterate" the "reputation of the leader of the most freest nation in the world."

After only 7 days in office, this incident comes fast on the heels of last Monday's remarks in which he called Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin "a scary peep-squeak" and a "closet fairy."  

In response, Putin has ordered the return of all of its diplomats and the closing of the Russian embassy in Washington until President Trump formally apologizes. 

Tomorrow's Headlines: Climate-Change Denying GOP House to Vote to Ban Law of Gravity

by Nomad

In honor of today's date, I present a sneak peek at tomorrow's headline. 

Later this month, the House of Representatives will be voting on controversial draft legislation which will deny the existence of gravity The Republican-led Congress expects little resistance to the proposed law in the upcoming vote.

The bill was sponsored by Rep. Jim Inhofe (R-OK), famous for his courageous stand on climate change.
In a press briefing on the Capitol steps, Inhofe said

"It's a win-win situation for the American tax-payers. For now on, we will not be held hostage by secular scientists. No offense, they were smart guys, but they are certainly not experts in Scripture. They shouldn't be able to go around trying to force their ideas on the rest of the nation. I still haven't seen any proof for the existence of gravity. After all, there's a reason why they call it a 'theory.' It makes about as much sense to me as the 'theory' of evolution."

According to the draft bill, from now on, all proposed federally-funded projects will be rejected automatically unless all participants sign an affidavit denying the existence of gravity "or any science supporting that theory."

Nomadic Politics Exclusive: Governor Rick Perry To Release CD of Greatest Hits

by Nomad

 

In order to help cover his legal expenses following grand jury indictments, Texas Governor Rick Perry has announced plans to release a double CD of country hits. 

"What a great idea!" said Texas Republican strategist (who wished not be identified). "It's time the governor gave the people of Texas something pleasant to listen to."

Outside his close friends, most people are unaware of that Perry has been an amateur country singer and guitarist for decades. Some have even suggested this side of Perry could be the start of a whole new career. 
"I think he's going to do as well as a singer as he did as a governor" said an unnamed loyal supporter. 

According to Jackson Jihl, executive producer for GoodHare Music out of Austin, the playlist will include a mix of cover versions  of such country standards as:

• "Release Me"
• "Hello Walls"
• "You Don't Even Know Who I Am"
• "Folsom Prison Blues"
• "You Won't Ever Be Lonely"
• "It's Just a Matter of Time"
• "Suspicious Minds"
• "I Fall To Pieces"

In addition, Governor Perry plans to offer some his personal takes on familiar Country hits like

• "I Was Corrupt When Corrupt Wasn't Cool"
• (Feels like)"I've Got A Tiger On My Tail"
• "(For Two Cigs and some Hooch) I'd Love To Lay You Down"
• "Four Walls (and a few Steel Bars)"
• "You're the Reason God Made Prisons"
•  "(I'm Gonna Miss) Wide Open Spaces" 
• "My Woman, My Woman, My Cell Mate, Pablo"
• "Loathsome On'ry and Mean" 
• "If You've Got The Proof, I'll Do The Time"
• "Sleeping Double in a Single Bed"

Spoofing Palin's New Money-Grabbing Gimmick

by Nomad

If honesty were a priority in politics, this is what Sarah Palin's new channel would actually look like.

Alas, parting the fools from their money seems to be a full time occupation with some politicians nowadays.